Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh,......

I take it you didn't ace your MCATS
Yes, I totally copped that heading from the super-genius Ms. South Carolina (seriously, look at how much attention she got just from those infamous words) but they are appropriate because here in Coker Creek, Shrimp and I feel like we could pass as Ms. USA contenders since we have such unique features like shirts AND shoes and most of the time, teeth!

Mom and dad have had their house up here in Tennessee for a long time, so I'm used to the 'local talent', but during our yearly girls' trip, I think we definitely stand out more. I think it's kind of like how twins on their own aren't very impressive, but twins together are somewhat of a freak of nature.

I think around here, two women that pronounce their g's on words such as hunting, mudding, spitting, and working, and that also are visibly wearing bras is a phenomenon in and of itself. Get those two women together at, say, the Save-a-Lot, and you've got yourself a beauty pageant! Not to mention the fact that Shrimp always has her own set of twins on display and it's like people around here can't believe that there's that much boob real estate TOTALLY TATTOO FREE. They're mesmerized, like a snake charmer with a cobra. Oh wait, that's Sunday at the baptist church down the street. My bad.
I swear by this holy snake I did not sleep with my cousin!
Dang it, I meant my first cousin! Those other ones don't count!

Yesterday, Shrimp and I decided to run into 'town' with dad because he was going to drop the garbage off at the dump (it was my birthday after all) and we jumped on the opportunity to visit the hot spot of Tellico Plains. The conversation went something like this:

Dad: "Hey girls, who wants to ride in the back of the pick-up with pappy to hold down the bags of garbage on the way to the dump?"

Us, from the garbage cans we're using as swimming pools to cool down after a long morning of rat-skinning: "I do, pa, I do!" Then Shrimp uses my head as a step to scramble out of the swimming can to claim her place in the back of the truck so she doesn't have to work the pedals in the truck while dad steers and spits dip at the same time.

If you girls are good, you can pick out any stuffed animal you want from the dump!

We first hit the Save-a-Lot and CVS, where I find some teeth whitening strips and self-tanner on sale so I buy double because I want to look glamorous by the time I come home with white teeth and glowing skin. Shrimp said I'm going to look like a jack-o-lantern with orange skin and black teeth from the generic whitening kit. I think somebody's jealooooous......

Who says the dump can't be a shopping opportunity?

So we make our way to the dump, where we get a gander at the hottie who works the place (Hey baby, how big is the range on that cuff? Think we can make it to the used mattress I saw out back with only a few rats living in the springs?) and also the PYT who's dropping garbage off with his family who has- wait for it- his own bowie knife hanging off his size 20 pants! Calm yourself, ladies, he is still under age, even by Tennessee standards.

 But then on our way home, we convince dad to stop off at a big garage sale we say on the way in. Sure, we thought it was a little weird that there's a garage sale going on on a Monday, but maybe somehow there was just too much awesomeness to fit into the weekend. Makes total sense.

Maybe they meant Hugh Grant.....
We swing into the driveway, lured in by the electric bike in the front yard, and take in the vastness of riches. There are boxes of product that most likely was salvaged from Lake Pontchartrain by the looks of them, water damaged and rusted or molded. But if you could look past that 'superficial' stuff, you could stockpile for all your menstrual, pregnancy test, sunblock, or personal hygiene needs! What's that you say, you need a light to guide you as you administer to all these beauty products? No problem- the framed picture of Jesus just got a new light bulb! And who's telling us all this, you might ask? The grande dam of the yard sale herself. Like a fine french woman, she's ageless. Is she 19 or is she 49? You really can't tell from the tats that cover most of her overly-visible body - she was soaking up her daily 8 hours of UVB when we pulled up- or from the condition of her finely aged and smoked skin. I could tell dad got nervous in the face of such beauty by the way he holed up in the truck like a loony in a bunker. But once we pulled away (with our purchases, of course), Shrimp and I went from feeling like this:

to this:
I knew those fake tanners would make a difference.
 So ladies, if you need a pick me up and don't mind a little ogling by the locals, come on up to Tennessee for a week- and bring your good teeth!


abigail said...

I think I peed myself a little reading this!

Greg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Debbie said...

You make it sound so enticing that I'm thinking about hitch-hiking to Tennessee with the first "pickup-truck-driving-good-ol'-boy" that I can find!