Thursday, December 1, 2011

Countdown to the Writing Marathon and Personally-Inflicted Hell Starting Now.......

Hey, welcome to the new site! Bookmark this spot now or you'll forget to do it later. Okay, now that that's done, let's get down to business. And that business would be my last endlessly prattling post prior to my month of novel-writing. Ta da, here it is! I will try to cram every last pointless thought in my head into this post so that I can concentrate on pouring every pointless thought that will come into my head in the next month down on paper. So I will start with...... Jett's mural! 

After I finished Gabi's mural this summer, I promised my nephew Jett that I would paint one for his room and then continuously put it off for months on end. That poor kid has got some patience. I just kept hoping that because he was four, he'd just forget about it but have you ever noticed that kids with an idea are like ho's with a good corner? They just don't let that sucker go! So after looking at all kinds of pictures, we decided on a baseball theme and I found two pictures that I liked and could easily paint together, with the stadium and skyline at the top of the wall and the boy catching the baseball at the bottom.

I took a few progress pics from my phone (sorry for the blur- thanks super old iPhone) and while I was hoping to get this finished up, I think I have about one more day to put into it before it's done.

The famous and super-easy to paint invisible man
We've got skin- and stars! Movin' on up...
The buildings and bridges are my favorite parts
And we now have shoes, stripes, and eyeballs. We are officially fancy.

I've been spending the last few days trying to wrap up all the stuff that I won't have the time or inclination to do once I'm in my Stephen King-esque writing fugue, complete with blackouts a la The Shining days. But without creepy twin girls. So far I've cleaned out my office, put away all my sewing stuff, washed ALL of my laundry, and passed out the Onerous Chore coupons. What are the Onerous Chore coupons? So glad you asked!
More like Chore Bitch if Shrimp has anything to do with it.
Onerous (pronounced own-er-us) Chore coupons are cruel and unusual coupons that I gave out to my most task-masterish friends and vindictive sister to make sure I keep up with my word counts for December. Don't reach two thousand words by the 4th? Wash Krissi's dog. No biggie. They go from bad to I'd-rather-disembowel-myself worse. Haven't reached thirty-three thousand words by Christmas Eve? I'll be re-checking and quality assuring the monthly ops report for Stephen. The worst are Shrimp's chores. It was like she was just waiting for me to come along and offer these up: take down all of her Christmas decorations, iron ALL of Echo's clothes, QUIT DRINKING FOR A MONTH (that's right, I shortened it to only one month, you cruel-hearted woman), and- possibly worst so far- attend children's sporting events. IN PERSON. She tried to make it for six months but I thought that was stretching it so I made it six events total. 

I'd rather be prison raped than sit through this. I'd better finish this damn book!

I meant to make this a longer post but it's late and since I seriously still do not have anything more than a vague idea of a plot, I'd better try to sleep and hope those mushrooms from the backyard produce some majorly hallucinogenic dreams that I can milk for at least a week. I'll keep you all posted with some progress reports as I go. And I'm off- to the keyboard! Oh shit, I'm already here. That's a little underwhelming. Check back soon, I'll be spreading the misery. Tis the season!
I see kittens, and lampshades, and monkeys smoking cigarettes....oh, damn, this is just Bobby's wish journal, not the shrooms talking.

Monday, November 21, 2011

News Alert! Jen and I are apparently naturally gifted athletes- and I'm going to write a book!

Okay, so first things first: you know how Jen dressed up as Wonder Woman for Halloween? Apparently it wasn't a costume- she is really like that on a daily basis! This weekend, when she went to run her measly little 7 miles, she just went ahead and ran 10 instead AND managed to maintain a 12.5 minute mile the whole time. No short bus needed there! Go Jen!!!

She even fights crime in her spare time. And she's only slightly drunk while doing it!
I just want to reiterate how awesome she is again. She is pretty amazing! And the only one who's volunteered to do this crazy running thing with me, so she's tops in my book.

While this is probably not surprising to anyone who knows Jen (she's great at everything she does and is tiny with probably 3% body fat), the surprising part is that I'm not as bad as I thought I'd be when I started all this. And I've been suffering from a serious case of LIA (Lead In Ass) lately too.
No caption needed for this one.
The last couple maintenance runs I did more resembled a chain gang of one picking up trash by the side of the road than a person jogging. And I made the monumental mistake last Friday of thinking that since the weather was nice out, I would jog on my lunch break! Unlike most of my decisions, which I generally know are bad ones right off the bat, I was thinking this was a good one until about ten minutes in. I had so many things to do that day- before work I had to sew (Rapunzel & Cinderella went out this week), work was busy, and then we had plans for after work so the only time I could get my run in was noon but since the temp has dropped, I thought, 'this will be perfect!'. Sometimes I feel like my life is the Gong Show and someone should stand on the sideline with a really long hook to pull me offstage before I can actually make the next mistake.

I'd be gonged before the redneck but after the four-armed lady

Here are a few things I learned from that run:

Discovery #1: you cannot eat 3 pieces of pizza and a banana an hour before you run and expect to not feel like you're going to hurl once your body temp reaches approximately 40,000 degrees
Or about surface-of-sun temp

Discovery #2: running in the sun with no shade is hot. Hot like Lance Armstrong's nut sack during the Tour de France. Hot like you want to puke and take a nap at the same time. Now I see the wisdom of starting the princess run at such an early hour- to complete at least half the run in the dark, thank god.
I won! Now I'm going to need some ice, a medium sized bowl, and 15 minutes of privacy.
Discovery #3: apparently my ass looks better than my face. I gathered this astute observation from the fact that I received no honks while running against traffic on McMullen, but it was a different story once I turned around to run back home. I'm sure this wasn't helped by the fact that my face was beet red and my blond hair was in a spout on the top of my head so I looked like a life-sized version of a zit that someone was trying to squeeze the pus out of. Sound gross? I looked even worse. From the front, anyway.

I kinda look like a zit with hair after a few miles. The men are lining up at the door!
But tonight Bobby and I were running our long run (6 miles) and I wanted to try to cure my LIA syndrome so I stocked up on a few things- some good, some bad, and I thought I'd share them with Jen (and Jillian and Liz and Jackie if you ladies are running too).

Quench gum- I read that chewing gum helps to keep your mouth from drying out and gives you something to do (assuming you can run and chew gum at the same time- it was iffy for me) and this worked well for me, but for other reasons. The chewing forced me to breathe in and out of my nose for longer and I thought it kept my breathing even for longer into the run (I spit it out halfway through).

Gu Chomps Watermelon & Clif Shot Bloks Black Cherry- thumbs up on the watermelon, thumbs down on the black cherry. Thought it'd be the other way around but the black cherry was bitter (and had caffeine so I made Bobby eat it). We ate these before we started the run this time to get us going. Worked really well. But not as well as the .....

Gu Gel- I swore I'd never try these since they have the consistency and temperate of semen but I read that they are not bad while you're running and since they are smaller to carry, I bought the jet blackberry flavor and we whipped them out halfway through the run. Here are Bobby's quotes, all within 30 seconds, "This #$%^ is gross!", "I'm gonna blow chunks from this %^&$", and "Even I'LL be blogging about how nasty this stuff is later". I agreed totally. It was like eating thick jelly that was kinda salty too. The whole time I was eating it I thought that I would NEVER eat this stuff again. Until 5 minutes later. We were like fricking gazelles after that stuff! I was SO much faster the second half of the run and we felt like we could run forever after that crap. I seriously don't care if it actually turns out to be zebra semen or cougar turd concentrate- I'm totally using it for every long run. I'll just have to try out some not-so-strong flavors for next time. Maybe the original zebra semen flavor.

Does this come in anal bleaching flavor? I'll take it!
Um, yeah, that's my body too...
SPI belt- while this was not recommended by Helen since they do bounce a little, of course I didn't listen and ordered it anyway. The consensus online seems to be that you either love it or hate it. I love it. It's this tiny little bag on a black elastic belt that sits low on your hips and does not ride up while you're running that can expand to fit a bunch of crap. Tonight I had my iPhone, tissues, key, and 2 Gu gel packs and I plan on adding a camera for the Disney run. It does bounce a little when it's loaded up but not bad; I imagine it's probably similar to what it must feel like for a guy to have his junk bouncing around. Thong, you should order one of these bags so that you can finally feel what it's like to have a pair! That's just a test to see if he actually reads this blog. But I bought this from the website, not an off brand from Sport Authority, and I'm really happy with it. Can also double as a not-as-lame-as-normal hip bag if you go to Disney or Busch Gardens a lot. And mine's silver so it's kinda cute too.

We ended up doing 6 miles in 71 minutes while using a run 7 minutes/ walk 3 minutes combo that worked really well for both of us the entire run. And don't think that I wasn't thinking that I had to at least match Jen's pace, especially since my run tonight was much shorter than her 10 miles over the weekend! I'm not competitive, but I don't actually want to be an hour behind her that day at Disney, so I was pushing it! I'll be mainlining those Gu gel packs that day, baby.
This should get me through the first half hour. I'll steal from old ladies after that.
Okay, and the other thing I wanted to tell you all tonight: I'll be writing a novel in December so if you see me on Facebook instead of writing, feel free to shame me through mockery and heckling to get me back to writing. In other words, just treat me like you do on a regular basis.
Actual kit!

I have a kit that the guy who started "National Novel Writing Month" came up with so that you can do this at any time, not just in November, which is when he started this years ago. The goal is to not write something good, or a final draft, or anything like that, but just to actually write something (50,000 words) and complete a novel, start to finish, in a month. There are some really good quotes in the booklet that I'll share with you next blog that really make you think, "Yeah, I CAN do this" and hopefully someone else will try this too. My favorite quote? We're going for quantity, not quality. Like me at a Golden Corral buffet.

That's good, because I've got a ten spot and a hankering for some quality shrimp.
Me need words
I'm starting Dec. 1st and feel free to hold me accountable at any point. I'm supposed to tell everyone so that people will ask me about it later and I will be shamed into not quitting. Apparently weeks 2 & 3 are the hardest so put it on your calendar to call me around those weeks in December for some anonymous nagging. I'm gonna need it! Oh, and I will not be letting anyone read it. It will be sucky. I picked a sucky topic and it will be offensive to everyone so I'm just writing it for myself to see if I actually like writing fiction. I've never done it before so wish me luck!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

There's a She-Wolf in your closet.... or running down McMullen Booth Road!

I originally thought I might surprise you all and actually write about sewing since I'm attempting to upcycle some of my old exercise gear into something I can run in but seeing how I have only one leg sewn on and I'm not going for a Shakira She-Wolf look, it'll have to wait until another day.
Sure, it looks just like this- but the sweatpants/ t-shirt version, which is also super sexy
Before I forget, as promised, here are some of Helen's tips for starting runners- I've added my own unhelpful comments and observations in red:

Ok so....running...... There are lots of things that people don't tell you when you are training for a half marathon...... some of the most important things to do are.......

1: Make sure whatever hair style you chose, it doesn't interfere or annoy you. I personally like to have my hair up in a pony tail with a headband of some sort...I'm talking like.....thin head band that keeps whispy fly away out of my face. Nothing annoys me more when running....I use under armor but you can get a lot of different types....KEY THING....make sure it's not too tight...i did this and it created a HUGE headache..and that's no fun! Okay, I use a headband and it's helpful. I think for the race I'll use a headband/earwarmer thing in the beginning because my ears always hurt when they're cold.

I Googled running hair and got this so naturally this will be my hairstyle on race day.
2: Make sure you are comfortable! In the winter, i always wear layers...and these are thin layers or moisture wicking material. like under armor....( i'm going to say UA from now on because...well....i'm an under armor slut) ok...Winter time i usually wear UA cold gear tight pants. Any type will do...Nike makes some nice ones too. I DO NOT layer on the bottom half. Top half i usually wear an UA long sleeve cold gear shirt and a tighter UA fleece. I sometimes even wear an UA t-shirt between the two if it's extra cold. This gives me the option to strip layers while getting warm and re apply layers when i'm cold. :) I don't find leggings to be too hot...jogging pants ( like addidas) are way to hot for me.... Good to know because otherwise I would just buy the cheapest thing out there and ya'll would find me passed out on McMullen Booth Road because my new pants had all the breathability of a garbage bag.

Of course, if I look this hot in a garbage bag, I might consider it anyway...
I don't wear a beanie or hat. Unless it's raining...cause there is nothing like getting rain in your eyes...especially when you wear glasses. Anyways...during the winter i wear a headband type of UA or nike band that goes around the ears but doesn't cover the head. This allows for heat to escape through my scalp but keeps my ears warm....This is just me :) but you might find it helpful..

3: GLIDE.......Glide is a product that is like....super looks like a bar of deodorant...but is so much better. Its a product that helps with are skinny so you probably don't chafe...but ....I don't chafe usually either...except when i run a half marathon..or train for it... Anyways...I ALWAYS put Glide on when i'm doing a long distance run ( 8K or more). I put it on my feet, in between toes, heals, arms ( where they hit my rib cage), and sometimes the lining of my bra ( if its really hot). also put it between my thighs up top..just in case my legs decide to be friends and touch eachother. The Girl type glide is exactly the same and the regular type don't bother getting the girl unless you like the pink top. GLIDE is a must....i swear by prevents me from getting blisters on me toes and feet... which can really ruin your run if you get them... I bought this and used it for the first time on Sunday to make sure it didn't feel greasy and it didn't. The hard part is that I won't be able to tell if it's really working until Bobby starts getting chafing and I can do the 'told ya so, told ya so, told ya told ya told ya so' dance while holding my stick of Glide. Which does not have a pink lid, btw.

4: Gu...... GU is super important. It's a substance that replaces your electrolytes that you have burned. It's like a gel / cake frosting type of substance. There are MANY types of Gu....and different brands. It's important to train with the Gu so you know which one you can tolerate while running. Example.... I "tested' the Shot blocks Margarita flavor one day.... I liked how it tasted. Well....when i decided to eat this during my stomach DID NOT like of the matter.... USE your energy supplement WHILE training and make sure you like the flavor while running and stick with it....I've tried so many kinds and I have come to the conclusion that my body likes strawberry Shot Blocks or Gu Chomps...nothing else... I usually eat the GU packet around mile 5-6 and then at mile 9-10. Sometimes i get so tired that I eat small little pieces of it along the way....this helps give me a natural energy boost. ( your body uses these carbs, sugars, and electrolytes to help you keep going the 13.1 miles). Anyways... Seriously consider it..... This entire paragraph sounded like gibberish to me the first time I read it but now that I'm a seasoned runner of five weeks and have made one trip to Sports Authority, I can now be considered an expert. We tried some of these out on Sunday and I kept my blueberry pomegranate  Gu Chomps down for the run so not blowing chunks is always good.

This Sunday, Bobby and I ran our five mile training run and even with the walking, we averaged about an eleven minute mile for the run. No short bus this time!

We looked like this. But not hot.
Prior to the run on Sunday, Shrimp and I took Echo to the Sarasota flea market to see dad hard at work at his friend's nut stand (insert every joke imaginable involving dad, nuts, warm nuts, nut stand, and flea market here- we made them all) and while we initially walked in and said, "Oh my god, this is the reason why we don't go to flea markets", by the time we made the walk around the perimeter booths we had acquired day-glo feathers clamped into our hair, permanent hair jewels, feathered hair clip accessories, and a new pair of jeggings. 

I figure if they're good enough for Conan...
I would have gotten my teeth whitened too but by that time I had run out of cash. There's always next time! We figure at that point we'll be reduced to getting fake nails and a temporary tramp stamp for the baby and a new wardrobe for ourselves to accommodate our new mini-donut eating asses. That place just sucks you in and doesn't let you leave until you look like one of them but I gotta admit, we weren't fighting it too hard either.

After the leisurely afternoon of de-classing ourselves, I took the opportunity to unshamefully raid Echo's Halloween candy and greedily swallow whole a few (dozen) mini candy bars. Which came in helpful when running just an hour later because halfway through the run I was able to pick up the pace and while I'm sure to the outside world and Bobby it just looked like I was an extremely gifted athlete, I was yelling in my head "Almooooooooond Joooooooooy" and running off my sugar high like a supermodel running from a cupcake.

That's right. I was so fast I was an actual blur. It doesn't just happen in the movies.
I love that show, so help me god.
Tonight was date night, as is every Tuesday, and I had originally planned on doing a run when Bobby got home but instead I decided that I would try to smooth out the wrinkles in my sheets by laying on them horizontally for about an hour. This may be misconstrued as 'napping' but I assure you that I was actually watching those episodes of Reba. Okay, that was more embarrassing than just napping. Anyhow, I had the right intentions; after all, I was wearing my workout clothes with the theory that I would suddenly becoming animated and sprint from the house willy nilly style and let the workout fever take over my body. It didn't happen exactly like that, but it was close. I got up and we went and got a greek salad instead.

That was delicious. Now let's go running!
We had a glass of wine with dinner and decided that since it was so early, we'd go the Taste Cafe in Safety Harbor to hang out for a little while longer and have another glass of wine. Naturally, after eating a salad that contained potato salad, radishes, pepperocinis,and anchovies and then consuming two glasses of white wine, I felt like a jog! After all, I was already wearing the outfit so I just decided I'd run home from Taste. Bobby persuaded me that perhaps that wasn't the best idea so we went home and got the dogs and did our run around the block instead (about 2 miles).

This was our first run that did not have any breaks; it was just a warm up walk and then 20 minutes of running and then a five minute cool down. Man, that salad was feeling like a good idea about ten minutes in! Although I had to take a few walk breaks for about 30 seconds, we were able to keep running, which kinda pissed me off that Bobby was able to keep up with me. I mean seriously, do I need to slip him an Ambien before we run so that I can finally leave him in the dust for once? I really expected him to peter out at some point, but nope! There he was, right by my side the whole time! Whatever dude. Can't you give this Polack a break and fake not being able to run sometimes? Just once? Our next run is Sunday- hopefully I can get my hands on some laxatives before then. Sorry babe, next time throw me a bone or something!

Throw me a bone or rampant diarrhea- your choice!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Why Ms. Jillian, I do declare.....

Did I hear correctly, she wants a sweet tea and a throw down? My oh my!
..... I think I heard a throwdown challenge in your last comment! So just for record keeping purposes, this is hilarious running post #3, known going forward as 'the one that made you decide to run the half marathon'. I think the confidence boost is a given, seeing that watching me run is about as painful as watching a ninety year old get out of a recliner. So you know you're better than at least one person right off the bat. 

This weekend I ran my longest run so far- 4 miles. But let me clarify this statement, because I believe I may have inadvertently given the impression that I actually ran all four miles when I said 'I ran 4 miles' on Facebook. I'm not really sure how that would be misleading but for those not in the know about training programs for beginner runners, what I meant was that I did the 4 mile training run, which consists of lots of walking in between running. My app is called 'Get Running', so Jen, if Matt deigns you worthy of receiving his crap old iPhone when he upgrades and you take him up on his generous offer, that's the app I like for now. It's a C25K app- which stands for 'Couch to 5K', meant for couch potatoes like myself (or I guess more like a sewing potato in my case).
Hurry, I'm out of cheetos and the commercials only last 5 minutes!

So I'm talking up this app, and I'm really impressed with it and I'm trying to convince Bobby all weekend to do the 4 mile 'run' with me until he finally caves in. Now I must admit that this is a double-edged sword because while it'd be nice to have something to do together (until we begin our Groupon Puerto Rican style salsa dancing), I also know that Bobby is a much more natural athlete than me and will most likely end up surpassing me in every way in about ten minutes.

I will of course be this flexible. And Bobby will of course have this douchebag expression on his face. That's what will make us awesome dancers.

It actually only took five. We had finished our warm-up walk, returned the dogs to the house so that we wouldn't have to run with hot bags of poop for three miles, and took off. For such a long run, I just did 3 of the shorter runs from the app in a row so I believe the increments were running for  1 1/2 minutes, walking for 1 1/2 minutes, then running for 3 minutes, then walk, then run for 1 1/2 minutes, and so on until the end where every running interval was for 3 minutes. After the first three minute run, when I expect (and secretly hope) to find Bobby struggling to keep up, I look back to find him laughing merrily to his podcast while apparently not even noticing that we are moving at a slightly faster pace than walking. 
Oh, am I running? I hadn't noticed, I was busy counting my ab muscles and flexing my pecs!
And maybe this time he'll be young!

So during the break I ask him if the pace is okay. After all, it's taken me three weeks to get to this point- no mocking from the other couch potatoes- and he just says, "No, this pace is great for me since I'm really out of shape." At this point, I push him into traffic and proceed with procuring husband number three. Maybe someone rich this time! If you can dream it, you can do it!

Alright, maybe I didn't really push him into traffic but the thought crossed my mind. Oh, there was another reason this run was such a big deal: this is the first time I'm timing my mileage. So far I either run for 30 minutes but have no idea how far, or run for 2 or 3 miles but with no specific sense of time. And I was reading in my training manual that if you run for 15 seconds and walk for 45, then you can finish the half marathon with a 15 minute mile. After reading that I thought, "Damn, even someone as jello-like as myself and Jillian could do that!". In case you missed it Jillian, that was your ego boost. Savor it. 

Especially if that jerk is between you and your princess medal.
We ended up coming in with 14 minute miles, taking less than an hour and feeling great after the run. We were so smirky and self-congratulatory about it I even annoyed the shit out of myself. We fist-bumped so many times my knuckles were raw. 
We weren't the ambiguously gay duo. We were the overly supergay fist-bumping duo.
Okay, now that I've told you about all the easy runs, I'll tell you about my last run, which was by far the hardest I've done yet. This time- and I don't know what asshole programmed this run into my formerly dream-like app- we were running for 3 minutes, then walking for 1 1/2 minutes, then running for 5 MINUTES, then repeat the whole thing again. Five minutes? Who the frick thought I could run for 5 minutes straight when just last week I was running for only a minute and a half and struggling with that? It didn't help matters any that Olivia Newton John kept telling me to 'slow my pace if necessary but just keep on going'. Lady, I'm already causing a warp in the time-space continuum by being the first person to run so slow I'm actually running forwards and backwards at the same time. 

Great scott, she broke the fat-ass time continuum!
But the good news is that you repeat the same schedule for the whole week, so I'm assuming this whole running for 5 minute piece of shit schedule will become more bearable by this weekend. If not, I can console myself with the fact that I can run for at least 15 seconds out of every minute and will therefore hopefully not get picked up by the slow bus on the day of the run. 
No thanks, short bus, I'm good for it!
And from the sounds of it, the list of runners is getting longer, so everyone needs to start calling dibs on their princesses! I'm calling Cinderella for myself. Jen, let your choice be known soon! If rumor has it correctly, we will have a few more girls joining us and obviously now Jillian also so I think I might need to start a little sooner with the sweatshop sewing. 

And Jill- here's one last reason you should do this run: to be able to say that you did it. And how often will you be able to do something cool like this with people that you actually like? Do it. Do it now or you'll be old and reading about the half-marathon one day and telling all your other old-fart friends, "I almost ran that one time with a group of friends but then I wussed out and decided to stay home and clip my ferret's toenails instead." You don't want to have to say that, do you? You want to be one of those people who will overhear someone talking about a run and just casually drop the fact that you just ran a half marathon yourself (I think we can say that for at least ten years and be within the timeframe of 'just'). 

That's right. If you don't do the run, your face will also freeze like this and you will apparently take up smoking  to boot. 
Don't worry, we'll send samples by the dozen!
My next post will be the running tips from Helen because I think I need to start utilizing some of them, such as finding an energy source to eat during the race and trying it out ahead of time. Apparently our snack of chips and salsa and a bunch of prosciutto was not an appropriate pre-run snack. I know Jen is getting running tips from her sister, but the only tips my sisters are good for are telling me where to get the best price on ass bleaching or what company will send the most free samples of adult diapers to the victim of our choice for the month. So basically, I'll take whatever running help I can get! Oh, and Eric, I took your advice and started taking glucosamine chondroitin. See, I listen to advice sometimes! It's like leap year; I think it happens about once every four years. 

What's your running advice? Any good success stories out there you feel like bragging about? I want to know now what I have to top!

Especially if the advice comes from a super-cute monkey wearing glasses. And Jillian, his advice was to get your lazy ass moving and run the damn race.

Friday, October 21, 2011


Written across the front of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy are those two words: DON'T PANIC and I'm trying to obey. My mind is racing, my breath is shallow, my heart is pounding. All I can think is, "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?". Do I really think that in just four months I'll be ready to run a half marathon? When I've never run anything longer than a 5K in my life? Was I drunk? Stupid question. Was I REALLY drunk? 

Where's my paper bag?!
This all came about the other night after one of my training runs, which have been going really well. I'm about 3 weeks into it and I'm using an app that tells me when to run and when to walk so that I don't have to constantly stare at my phone while I'm running. This week I'm running for a minute and a half and then walking for two minutes. The funny thing is that the voice in this app is a woman with an Australian accent so every 45 seconds it sounds like Olivia Newton John is telling me to 'keep going, you only have 45 more seconds of running'. I keep expecting her to come out with a, "Crikey mate, you're doing a banging job!" or tell me to "get physical". 

                      I'm saying all the things that I know you like, making good conversation... I gotta handle you just right, you know what I mean!.... Let's get physical! Physical!
Two nights ago was the onset of this cool weather and I'm running, and I'm feeling great, and I'm thinking all is right with the world. But by the 6th round of this run/walk combo, I am tired and I need that 2 minute walk break after running only for a fricking minute and a half and I think to myself:  how the hell am I going to do this for THREE HOURS for the half marathon? Me, someone who's never been a jogger and always thought that running was for idiots- it's horrible on your joints, it's not good for your internal organs, blah blah blah, I had tons of cons against it. And now here I am, trying desperately to be one of those idiots. 

Yes, please let me join your cult of lanky yet still unhealthy looking followers!
But tonight while I'm running I'm feeling a little better because I notice how fast I walk during the walk break part and I think that if anything, I can half run/half walk a fifteen minute mile (which is what you have to maintain during the official run) if worst comes to worst. My running partner, the amazing Ms. Jen, told me the other week that she can already run two miles- in a row- so I think we all know who's going to be the dud of this team. 
This is the good kind of dud. I'm the bad kind of dud.
And then she found an article about a woman who ran a marathon and then gave birth 8 hours later and I told her that if we have third trimester preggers pass us up during the run, we may as well just wait for the slow bus to come pick us up. The story was the opposite of inspirational to me because it just made me think, "Look, even SHE can do it, and she's as big as a goddamn bus and running for two! You can't even run for one!" Jen, I hope your confidence is way better than mine lately!

What, my water broke? No problem, I'll just grab a Gatorade around mile 23!
So for now I'm going to concentrate on the small runs, and worry about the big one when it gets closer. I'm doing my longest run so far this Sunday- 4 miles- but still using the walk/run thing so we'll see how that goes. Everything I've read advises new runners to take it slow and not try to push it in the beginning or I'll injure myself and end up giving up completely. And with this schedule and my new awesome shoes, I haven't had any shin splints or sore muscles at all. Sure, ninety year olds on Lark electric scooters are passing me up because I'm pretty slow, but I feel good the next day! 
Hey Pops, can you give a sister a lift next time? I'll return the favor by waxing your oxygen tank.
I'm taking Helen's (Mary Poppin's) advice and will do some runs coming up for the holidays to get used to doing these group runs. I'm thinking Turkey Trot, although the closest one I can find to Bobby's parent's house is in Miami. Oh, Mary, in case Bobby didn't tell you, we're coming down for Thanksgiving! Then maybe some Christmas runs and then the Gasparilla if it's early enough in the year. 
Because drinking is always more fun if you're wearing a pirate costume!
So far on our team it's just me and Jen. The only crap part is that I can't make us an 'official' team because they want me to pay for both of us again and then they'd refund each of us our original fees but not the registration fees and then they'll charge an extra $30 to boot. I don't need our team name printed on our bibs THAT badly. I can use a glitter pen for that! But Liz, if you want to run too, sign up pretty soon because it's filling up! Last I looked it was 52% full and I can imagine it'll fill up quickly after the beginning of the year. Helen, you already know the drill so sign up soon if you're in! 

We will have so much fun- we can rent a place for the weekend, Shrimp is coming over too to hang out and meet us at the finish line, we can lounge around Disney afterwards... sounds like a good time! Come on ladies, you know you want to, all the other kids are doing it....and you get an awesome Princess shirt out of the deal!

I think modeling our outfits after slutty Halloween costumes will be our best bet because we'll need them to be tight. Now just imagine this Cinderella costume worn with a sports bra, long sleeve shirt, leggings, and a headband. I don't know how all the guys will be able to control their major boners and still run the marathon with us hotties around.