Why Ms. Jillian, I do declare.....

Did I hear correctly, she wants a sweet tea and a throw down? My oh my!

..... I think I heard a throwdown challenge in your last comment! So just for record keeping purposes, this is hilarious running post #3, known going forward as 'the one that made you decide to run the half marathon'. I think the confidence boost is a given, seeing that watching me run is about as painful as watching a ninety year old get out of a recliner. So you know you're better than at least one person right off the bat. 


This weekend I ran my longest run so far- 4 miles. But let me clarify this statement, because I believe I may have inadvertently given the impression that I actually ran all four miles when I said 'I ran 4 miles' on Facebook. I'm not really sure how that would be misleading but for those not in the know about training programs for beginner runners, what I meant was that I did the 4 mile training run, which consists of lots of walking in between running. My app is called 'Get Running', so Jen, if Matt deigns you worthy of receiving his crap old iPhone when he upgrades and you take him up on his generous offer, that's the app I like for now. It's a C25K app- which stands for 'Couch to 5K', meant for couch potatoes like myself (or I guess more like a sewing potato in my case).

Hurry, I'm out of cheetos and the commercials only last 5 minutes!

So I'm talking up this app, and I'm really impressed with it and I'm trying to convince Bobby all weekend to do the 4 mile 'run' with me until he finally caves in. Now I must admit that this is a double-edged sword because while it'd be nice to have something to do together (until we begin our Groupon Puerto Rican style salsa dancing), I also know that Bobby is a much more natural athlete than me and will most likely end up surpassing me in every way in about ten minutes.

I will of course be this flexible. And Bobby will of course have this douchebag expression on his face. That's what will make us awesome dancers.

It actually only took five. We had finished our warm-up walk, returned the dogs to the house so that we wouldn't have to run with hot bags of poop for three miles, and took off. For such a long run, I just did 3 of the shorter runs from the app in a row so I believe the increments were running for  1 1/2 minutes, walking for 1 1/2 minutes, then running for 3 minutes, then walk, then run for 1 1/2 minutes, and so on until the end where every running interval was for 3 minutes. After the first three minute run, when I expect (and secretly hope) to find Bobby struggling to keep up, I look back to find him laughing merrily to his podcast while apparently not even noticing that we are moving at a slightly faster pace than walking. 

Oh, am I running? I hadn't noticed, I was busy counting my ab muscles and flexing my pecs!

And maybe this time he'll be young!

So during the break I ask him if the pace is okay. After all, it's taken me three weeks to get to this point- no mocking from the other couch potatoes- and he just says, "No, this pace is great for me since I'm really out of shape." At this point, I push him into traffic and proceed with procuring husband number three. Maybe someone rich this time! If you can dream it, you can do it!






Alright, maybe I didn't really push him into traffic but the thought crossed my mind. Oh, there was another reason this run was such a big deal: this is the first time I'm timing my mileage. So far I either run for 30 minutes but have no idea how far, or run for 2 or 3 miles but with no specific sense of time. And I was reading in my training manual that if you run for 15 seconds and walk for 45, then you can finish the half marathon with a 15 minute mile. After reading that I thought, "Damn, even someone as jello-like as myself and Jillian could do that!". In case you missed it Jillian, that was your ego boost. Savor it. 

Especially if that jerk is between you and your princess medal.

We ended up coming in with 14 minute miles, taking less than an hour and feeling great after the run. We were so smirky and self-congratulatory about it I even annoyed the shit out of myself. We fist-bumped so many times my knuckles were raw. 

We weren't the ambiguously gay duo. We were the overly supergay fist-bumping duo.

Okay, now that I've told you about all the easy runs, I'll tell you about my last run, which was by far the hardest I've done yet. This time- and I don't know what asshole programmed this run into my formerly dream-like app- we were running for 3 minutes, then walking for 1 1/2 minutes, then running for 5 MINUTES, then repeat the whole thing again. Five minutes? Who the frick thought I could run for 5 minutes straight when just last week I was running for only a minute and a half and struggling with that? It didn't help matters any that Olivia Newton John kept telling me to 'slow my pace if necessary but just keep on going'. Lady, I'm already causing a warp in the time-space continuum by being the first person to run so slow I'm actually running forwards and backwards at the same time. 

Great scott, she broke the fat-ass time continuum!

But the good news is that you repeat the same schedule for the whole week, so I'm assuming this whole running for 5 minute piece of shit schedule will become more bearable by this weekend. If not, I can console myself with the fact that I can run for at least 15 seconds out of every minute and will therefore hopefully not get picked up by the slow bus on the day of the run. 

No thanks, short bus, I'm good for it!

And from the sounds of it, the list of runners is getting longer, so everyone needs to start calling dibs on their princesses! I'm calling Cinderella for myself. Jen, let your choice be known soon! If rumor has it correctly, we will have a few more girls joining us and obviously now Jillian also so I think I might need to start a little sooner with the sweatshop sewing. 


And Jill- here's one last reason you should do this run: to be able to say that you did it. And how often will you be able to do something cool like this with people that you actually like? Do it. Do it now or you'll be old and reading about the half-marathon one day and telling all your other old-fart friends, "I almost ran that one time with a group of friends but then I wussed out and decided to stay home and clip my ferret's toenails instead." You don't want to have to say that, do you? You want to be one of those people who will overhear someone talking about a run and just casually drop the fact that you just ran a half marathon yourself (I think we can say that for at least ten years and be within the timeframe of 'just'). 

That's right. If you don't do the run, your face will also freeze like this and you will apparently take up smoking  to boot. 

Don't worry, we'll send samples by the dozen!

My next post will be the running tips from Helen because I think I need to start utilizing some of them, such as finding an energy source to eat during the race and trying it out ahead of time. Apparently our snack of chips and salsa and a bunch of prosciutto was not an appropriate pre-run snack. I know Jen is getting running tips from her sister, but the only tips my sisters are good for are telling me where to get the best price on ass bleaching or what company will send the most free samples of adult diapers to the victim of our choice for the month. So basically, I'll take whatever running help I can get! Oh, and Eric, I took your advice and started taking glucosamine chondroitin. See, I listen to advice sometimes! It's like leap year; I think it happens about once every four years. 


What's your running advice? Any good success stories out there you feel like bragging about? I want to know now what I have to top!

Especially if the advice comes from a super-cute monkey wearing glasses. And Jillian, his advice was to get your lazy ass moving and run the damn race.