DON'T PANIC

Written across the front of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy are those two words: DON'T PANIC and I'm trying to obey. My mind is racing, my breath is shallow, my heart is pounding. All I can think is, "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?". Do I really think that in just four months I'll be ready to run a half marathon? When I've never run anything longer than a 5K in my life? Was I drunk? Stupid question. Was I REALLY drunk? 

Where's my paper bag?!

This all came about the other night after one of my training runs, which have been going really well. I'm about 3 weeks into it and I'm using an app that tells me when to run and when to walk so that I don't have to constantly stare at my phone while I'm running. This week I'm running for a minute and a half and then walking for two minutes. The funny thing is that the voice in this app is a woman with an Australian accent so every 45 seconds it sounds like Olivia Newton John is telling me to 'keep going, you only have 45 more seconds of running'. I keep expecting her to come out with a, "Crikey mate, you're doing a banging job!" or tell me to "get physical". 

                      I'm saying all the things that I know you like, making good conversation... I gotta handle you just right, you know what I mean!.... Let's get physical! Physical!

Two nights ago was the onset of this cool weather and I'm running, and I'm feeling great, and I'm thinking all is right with the world. But by the 6th round of this run/walk combo, I am tired and I need that 2 minute walk break after running only for a fricking minute and a half and I think to myself:  how the hell am I going to do this for THREE HOURS for the half marathon? Me, someone who's never been a jogger and always thought that running was for idiots- it's horrible on your joints, it's not good for your internal organs, blah blah blah, I had tons of cons against it. And now here I am, trying desperately to be one of those idiots. 

Yes, please let me join your cult of lanky yet still unhealthy looking followers!

But tonight while I'm running I'm feeling a little better because I notice how fast I walk during the walk break part and I think that if anything, I can half run/half walk a fifteen minute mile (which is what you have to maintain during the official run) if worst comes to worst. My running partner, the amazing Ms. Jen, told me the other week that she can already run two miles- in a row- so I think we all know who's going to be the dud of this team. 

This is the good kind of dud. I'm the bad kind of dud.

And then she found an article about a woman who ran a marathon and then gave birth 8 hours later and I told her that if we have third trimester preggers pass us up during the run, we may as well just wait for the slow bus to come pick us up. The story was the opposite of inspirational to me because it just made me think, "Look, even SHE can do it, and she's as big as a goddamn bus and running for two! You can't even run for one!" Jen, I hope your confidence is way better than mine lately!

What, my water broke? No problem, I'll just grab a Gatorade around mile 23!

So for now I'm going to concentrate on the small runs, and worry about the big one when it gets closer. I'm doing my longest run so far this Sunday- 4 miles- but still using the walk/run thing so we'll see how that goes. Everything I've read advises new runners to take it slow and not try to push it in the beginning or I'll injure myself and end up giving up completely. And with this schedule and my new awesome shoes, I haven't had any shin splints or sore muscles at all. Sure, ninety year olds on Lark electric scooters are passing me up because I'm pretty slow, but I feel good the next day! 

Hey Pops, can you give a sister a lift next time? I'll return the favor by waxing your oxygen tank.

I'm taking Helen's (Mary Poppin's) advice and will do some runs coming up for the holidays to get used to doing these group runs. I'm thinking Turkey Trot, although the closest one I can find to Bobby's parent's house is in Miami. Oh, Mary, in case Bobby didn't tell you, we're coming down for Thanksgiving! Then maybe some Christmas runs and then the Gasparilla if it's early enough in the year. 

Because drinking is always more fun if you're wearing a pirate costume!

So far on our team it's just me and Jen. The only crap part is that I can't make us an 'official' team because they want me to pay for both of us again and then they'd refund each of us our original fees but not the registration fees and then they'll charge an extra $30 to boot. I don't need our team name printed on our bibs THAT badly. I can use a glitter pen for that! But Liz, if you want to run too, sign up pretty soon because it's filling up! Last I looked it was 52% full and I can imagine it'll fill up quickly after the beginning of the year. Helen, you already know the drill so sign up soon if you're in! 

We will have so much fun- we can rent a place for the weekend, Shrimp is coming over too to hang out and meet us at the finish line, we can lounge around Disney afterwards... sounds like a good time! Come on ladies, you know you want to, all the other kids are doing it....and you get an awesome Princess shirt out of the deal!

I think modeling our outfits after slutty Halloween costumes will be our best bet because we'll need them to be tight. Now just imagine this Cinderella costume worn with a sports bra, long sleeve shirt, leggings, and a headband. I don't know how all the guys will be able to control their major boners and still run the marathon with us hotties around.