Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Trash Man Tutorial

How many times have you found yourself in this scenario?

You: "I'll be right there honey, I just need to figure out the best way to store this leftover green bean and throw away these 10 to-go containers and then we can be on our way to little Beelzebub's christening" only to find yourself stumped as to what is the proper way to perform these everyday, perplexing tasks.

Worry no more, my friend, because this is your lucky day! For the low, low price of absolutely nothing, you too can learn to organize your fridge and coordinate your garbage can like a pro! What pro, you may ask? You might know him from the radio show that he conducts between only himself and his dog called 'Trash Talk' or his even more popular 'Crap Rappin', which he conducts from his actual crapper. Yes, that's right- these tips are coming straight from The Shed Man himself. The Don of Dumps. The Albino Sasquatch of the South. El Blanco Diablo. Okay, it's just my dad. But that in and of itself makes him a superstar so you are welcome in advance.
Paper beats rock- it's your turn to skin the coon!

Grasshopper, boxes should be as flat as my hand, like this!

The first thing my dad pointed out to me and Shrimp when we were up there was that these techniques can take years to master, if ever, so don't be discouraged if you don't feel like you're 'getting it' right off the bat. Practice, and apparently nagging and constant rearranging of the garbage, makes perfect.

Trash Talking:

1. Water bottles cannot go into the trash unless the have been smooshed flat and have the lids on them. Apparently mom is not allowed to burn them in the fireplace anymore (along with car batteries and household paint, I'm assuming) and I don't know the purpose of the lid being intact but I have long ago learned that questions just lead to more questions. Resistance is futile.

Hey, I think I can fit a watermelon rind in that last one!

2. Anything larger than a water bottle gets cut in half and each half gets stuffed with more trash, kind of like mini trash cans INSIDE the trash can. Think of your garbage can as a really large set of those Russian nesting dolls where everything fits inside of everything else down to your last cigarette butt.

3. All organic garbage (chicken bones, scrapings from the dinner plates- anything that will attract bears to the compost pile) goes into an old coffee can that then gets stored in the freezer until the next trip to the dump. But as I observed and after-dinner clean up, I noticed that this is not a hard and fast rule. I guess you can do this when it's convenient for you and just ignore all the other rules when you don't want to follow them. Hey, kind of like the bible!

I love what you've done with the eggshells!

4. Egg cartons must be flattened, as well as any cardboard or plastic container so that it takes up as little space as possible with the can. You basically want your garbage can to look like a display at The Container Store or as if Martha Stewart herself personally organized your waste products.

If you forget any of these trash tips and dad's in the vicinity, don't worry. He'll go through your garbage can himself and rearrange it to fit, all the while giving you useful pointers that I'm sure will become folklore that you will pass on down to your grand kids. I'm already scoping out mini garbage cans for baby Mary and Echo so that they can start their trash education early.

For the Icebox:

1. Rearrange all items no less than 10 times a day, more if time permits. This keeps people on their toes and the leftovers get a constant rotation to ensure maximum consumption.
Some guys dream of naked women......
2. Think of it like fridge Sudoko- it all has to add up to 'organized'. If you need a little reminder, always think NEAT, which stands for:
Every time an extra piece of Tupperware gets stuck in the fridge, somewhere a puppy dies. Just keep that in mind.
3. If it's in there for more than two days, then it must be eaten for breakfast- no exceptions. That way you don't have to throw it away and mess up your 'trash magic'.

It's time to take back our kitchen, ladies!

*Apply as many of the above rules to cupboards also. Don't hold back- show that kitchen it's your bitch!

If you are extremely awful daughters such as myself and Shrimp, then just wait until the house elf goes to sleep, then store a single ketchup packet in every Tupperware container in the house and then shove it into the fridge until you can barely shut the refrigerator door. Then, ball up a bunch of newspaper and stuff it into the trash, top it off with as many empty boxes as you can find until it's teetering at least two feet past the top of the counters, then gently place the garbage can lid on top. Hey, we gotta give dad something to do. All that talking to himself in the bathroom is just getting kinda creepy.
Oh no, those plastic bottles don't have lids and they're NOT FLAT! THE HORROR!


Anonymous said...

just when I think you can't get any funnier, you top yourself Anna! Good thing I went to the bathroom before reading this or I would have peed myself for sure!!!!--Shrimp

BB#3 said...

I bet Dad dreams in garbage...

Anonymous said...

it doesn't seem so bizarre when you're living it every day.......


Anna said...

Yeah mom, I'm pretty sure that's what people in cults say too.

Teresa said...

This is what happens to people who retire without a plan....

Anonymous said...

I'm running behind timnes dealing with the rising water at the cabin, weekends of moving too many, too heavy, boat related stuff BUT this just had me rolling on the floor laughing. I needed the break and the laugh.Just when I was missing Mike you put him right in front of me! Whereas, Ken asked "why didn't they address the issue of folding grocery sacks and plastic bags appropriately?" Auntie E

Anna said...

Ellen, I'm glad you finally got caught up with the Trash Man happenings! Tell Ken if he writes the folding grocery sack tutorial, I'll make a blog out of it! As you can see, my standards are low when it comes to topics.