Dear a**hole who keeps stealing my leashes,

This is a nicer version of the first stolen leash.

Dude, what the hell? Is there some black market on crappy leashes that I don't know about and you're making a killing out there? Or do you steal the leashes and then go sit in the car with your popcorn and Twizzlers and watch the "Anna, Porkchop, & Applesauce Show" which becomes exponentially more amusing with the combination of two dogs and only one leash? Really, what the hell is your problem?

If you poop on the lawn you'll get a treat when we get inside!

The first time it happened, I wrote it off as a fluke. It was a plain blue leash and you had the courtesy to remove the gentle leader (cost: $20) and leave it behind for me after you stole the leash worth approximately $.50.So I figured, hey, that was considerate of you! Obviously you needed the leash but didn't want to leave me without the leader so you were nice enough to leave it clipped to the fence. So fricking sweet. Did I think you may have used my leash to possibly steal a dog that you didn't arrive with? I tried not to think about that too much. I never saw any missing dog signs up afterwards so I'm sleeping better at night knowing I wasn't part of that pathological screwed-upness.

This would be Porkchop if I tried walking him without a leash. Would that make you happy, j-hole?

So I kind of let that first leash-stealing go. It was a one-off thing and after a week or so I went back to leaving the extra leash on the fence while walking around. I have a leash buddy for the second leash that holds all the bags and stuff (thank you Aunt Ellen) so I always have at least one leash. Thank god for that because last weekend, you struck again! And this time, it was a nice leash so I know you didn't just 'accidentally' take this one.

Give us all your money! And whatever leashes you have behind the counter too!

Just keep this in mind, douche bag- if my dog goes through the windshield on our next trip to Tennessee because you stole the leash that has the seat belt harness clip, it's on your conscious! Jerk off. Or as Shrimp would say, j-hole. We don't know what the j stands for but take our word for it, it's bad. So quit stealing my damn leashes!

Sincerely,

The girl who will kick your ass if she sees you with her leashes ever again. And I'm serious. I'm running low on my meds so I'm batshit crazy these days.

That's right. If you see this comin' at ya, you'd better run!