Monday, June 20, 2011

Dear a**hole who keeps stealing my leashes,

This is a nicer version of the first stolen leash.
Dude, what the hell? Is there some black market on crappy leashes that I don't know about and you're making a killing out there? Or do you steal the leashes and then go sit in the car with your popcorn and Twizzlers and watch the "Anna, Porkchop, & Applesauce Show" which becomes exponentially more amusing with the combination of two dogs and only one leash? Really, what the hell is your problem?

If you poop on the lawn you'll get a treat when we get inside!
The first time it happened, I wrote it off as a fluke. It was a plain blue leash and you had the courtesy to remove the gentle leader (cost: $20) and leave it behind for me after you stole the leash worth approximately $.50.So I figured, hey, that was considerate of you! Obviously you needed the leash but didn't want to leave me without the leader so you were nice enough to leave it clipped to the fence. So fricking sweet. Did I think you may have used my leash to possibly steal a dog that you didn't arrive with? I tried not to think about that too much. I never saw any missing dog signs up afterwards so I'm sleeping better at night knowing I wasn't part of that pathological screwed-upness.

This would be Porkchop if I tried walking him without a leash. Would that make you happy, j-hole?
So I kind of let that first leash-stealing go. It was a one-off thing and after a week or so I went back to leaving the extra leash on the fence while walking around. I have a leash buddy for the second leash that holds all the bags and stuff (thank you Aunt Ellen) so I always have at least one leash. Thank god for that because last weekend, you struck again! And this time, it was a nice leash so I know you didn't just 'accidentally' take this one.

Give us all your money! And whatever leashes you have behind the counter too!
Just keep this in mind, douche bag- if my dog goes through the windshield on our next trip to Tennessee because you stole the leash that has the seat belt harness clip, it's on your conscious! Jerk off. Or as Shrimp would say, j-hole. We don't know what the j stands for but take our word for it, it's bad. So quit stealing my damn leashes!


The girl who will kick your ass if she sees you with her leashes ever again. And I'm serious. I'm running low on my meds so I'm batshit crazy these days.

That's right. If you see this comin' at ya, you'd better run!


kyndall said...

the "j" is for jack, as in jack-hole. now you know.

Anna said...

Thanks Kendall. It's always good to know exactly what your insults mean. More fun all around.

Anonymous said...

next time you go there, leave a bait leash that's covered with hot pepper juice...........

Anonymous said...

actually, the j is for jack ass-so j hole is a combo of jack ass & asshole. Don't try messing with my made up words!-Shrimp

Monica Gehllar said...

I love made up words! Nice one, Mary!

and I like the idea of the pepper juice bait leash - you should go for it, Anna ;)

kyndall said...

sorry, shrimp, but you cannot claim j-hole as your own. that is just one of the terms every parent resorts to using once their children begin talking and therefore repeating the things they hear mommy and daddy say. and since you can't tell the child that the word means jack-ass-hole, you politely leave the "ass" part out, leaving us with only "jack-hole," a politically "acceptable-if-not-correct" term that is certified safe for the whole family. now you know even more.

Anna said...

No pepper juice for me- you know it would be my luck that I'd constantly touch it and touch my eyes and nobody would ever steal it! I just started buying leashes at the Dollar Store for the park.