Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sneak Peak at What's Hot for Rednecks for 2011!

Hey there, redneck! Thanks for reading! Now don't get put off by all the 'words' in this post, there are plenty of pictures to get you through this relatively easily. By the way, since you're here, can you please put some shoes on your kid when you take them to the fair? Thanks. But moving on- have you been staring at your closet, wondering what color bandanas are 'in' this year or how you should be doing your hair to fit in at the muddin' hole? Worry no more, my friend. At my sister's party, all the latest fads and trends for rednecks were strutted out, worn by people in model-like condition. At least they look like models compared to yourself.

You all have heard me talk about my sister Shrimp. As you may not have realized from her pictures since she uses more preservatives than a canning factory, she is old. OOOOOld. In fact, she just turned the big 4-0. You're welcome for making that information public, Shrimpo! So her super awesome husband Eric decided to throw her the surprise party that dreams are made of:  A Big Fat Redneck Party.

You see, for whatever reason, Shrimp is fascinated with anything redneck. She loved that show "My Big Fat Redneck Wedding", she can do the accent perfectly, and occasionally likes to make us all go to the Round Up so that we can stumble around and call it line dancing. By the way, I think most of those cowboys are gay. I don't get hit on nearly enough there. It's like being on the set of BrokeBack Mountain.

So anyway, Eric started planning weeks in advance and set the bar pretty high, as far as redneck parties go. Abby was down from Maine so we just assembled some decorations (beer cans and plastic flowers in TP vases) and made the side dishes. Basically, anything with the term casserole in it (corn casserole, zucchini casserole, hash brown casserole), baked beans, coleslaw, potato salad, cheese bread. Or anything that had mayo listed as it's main ingredient. But the best part was designing the outfits.

It was quite a dilemma; do we go with the traditional hair in curlers/housecoat look or something more trendy, like wearing pants and a shirt together at the same time? And there were so many choices for camo wear at Wal-Mart. Did we go with the camo shirt as well as the camo purse and hat or mix it up a little with a pink leopard print tank top? Where will she put her can of dip- down her boobs or have Echo hold it? So many decisions. We found ourselves asking- what would Gretchen Wilson do? After all, we too wanted to be proper redneck women.

After scouring the pages of Rogue for hours (Redneck Vogue), we finally assembled what we thought was the trifecta of this season's creme de la creme of redneck fashions: a Camaro t-shirt , which Shrimp 'personalized' by cutting a subtle neckline showing off her bra and some venting across the back, cut-offs, big belt buckle, camo hat, 80's earrings & lipstick, and camo purse. Or the 'camo & camaro' look, as we're calling it.

Eric is sporting the head-to-toe camo look, complete with the bottle opener in the hat brim. Rogue refers to this look as 'every other man who has a gun rack in his truck.' Work it, Eric!

We wanted to go for the 'au natural' look for the teeth so we left the grill at home and just let Shrimp and Echo show off these beauties.

Here we see Abby showing off the latest in hair and make-up. This season, lay on that bronzer but be sure to use white eyeliner and eyeshadow to really make your eyes 'pop'!

Abby also found this rockin' hair piece at - hold on, you're not going to believe this- the Dollar Store! Yes, I know, this piece looks like it should cost ones of dollars, not just a single dollar. I have a feeling this will be making a reappearance in Maine, if not the runways in Paris.

I decided to go for the classic rollers/bandana hair-did and since I didn't have a jeans skirt, I just cut open a pair of jean shorts and threw on some old spandex shorts. Combine that with my whale tale, and, well, I don't think sexy really encompasses everything here.
And as Mary's mother-in-law Ann pointed out, I didn't even have to fake the trashy looking tramp stamp! That sucker is a Pasco County original baby. I'm so proud. But I don't have any pics of it.

Abby couldn't find another jean tube top small enough for baby Mary so she just took a tank top and cut it off to make a skirt. FRA (Future Rednecks of America), take note: you've got to be inventive when dressing the chilluns. They can't work a pair of scissors and light your cigarette at the same time. Yet.

For Echo, we just put her in some jean shorts and a t-shirt and let her go barefoot. If all else fails, a general lack of effort will work in a pinch.

But wouldn't you know it, those babies start drinking.....

.....and soon their clothes magically disappear! Could this be any more of a case of like mothers like daughters?
Sure girls, it's cute now, but in about two decades this kind of behaviour is going to land you in all kinds of videos you don't want to be in.

Erin and Mike are showing off our couple's wear. This look will take you from the slot machines to church the next morning with just a quick stop off at the Circle K bathroom for a wipe-down. Looking good, guys!

Here are a few action shots from the party.
 Got toilet seats? Then you got game. And a leg up on your neighbors for having more than one crapper cover.

Just like the teeth, the natural facial hair look is back this year too. Got a unibrow? Grow it out! Wear it loud and proud. And if your pit hair gets long enough, make sure to dye it to match your hair on your head. Not only do you want the carpet to match the drapes, but the throw pillows as well.

Need a cake for your kid's party but got loaded and forgot to order it ahead of time? Don't worry- just go to Piggy Wiggly and pick one out of the freezer that someone else ordered, scrape their kid's name off, and insert candle! I bet you can't even tell there used to be writing on this cake.

        Who doesn't love a good round of cornhole? Oh, and this beanbag game too.
We don't need an explanation for every picture, right?
Then after the barbeque came the very best part- the Figure Eight Schoolbus Races at DeSoto Super Speedway!

Aw yeah, that's right- we were taking this fashion show on the road. Now prepare yourself for a dose of sexy that you have not experienced since Kim Kardashian released that sex tape. Are you ready? You sure? Okay, here it is:

I know what you're thinking. You're welcome.

Before we went into the track, we wanted to get our drink on so we participated in some shotgun tailgating. Shrimp brought her usual cocktail of vodka with a vodka mixer and more vodka in ziplock baggies for the track. Eric has his cup o' whiskey because he don't waste no time getting wasted. FYI, that's also a good tip for a succesful date night.
Bobby and I decided we'd try to procreate in the back of the car so we could name the kid 'DeSoto Racetrack Matos'. We have dibs- no stealing!

Here are Mary's high-class friends at the races. No rollers, camo, or animal print among the bunch. I know, we all felt bad for them because they just didn't fit in. Don't worry, I made sure to give them lots of tips and they seemed very appreciative. Jackie said I could give her a home perm next week.

So this concludes our recap of what's to come in 2011 for redneck fashions. Please, if you have any questions or need fashion advice, just send me a message and I'll be sure to give out Shrimp's home number. She said to call anytime, day or night, for your redneck fashion emergency.


Monica Gehllar said...

Looked like a ton O fun!! Great pix!

Anna said...

Thanks, we did have a great time but we missed you guys! Next family function, you two need to show up in your redneck finest so that we can add some pics to the gallery.

mary yates said...

peeing my pants! sooo funny and it was a great party! Thanks for everything!!!! especially for looking extra sexy so I didn't have to get hit on all day for once! and you will be wishing you look this good when you hit 40!

Anna said...

Shrimp, you are probably peeing your pants because you are old and incontinent. But glad you liked it! You were worth all of it and I already wish I looked like you, I don't need to wait another dozen or so years until I turn 40.

abigail said...

OMG, one of the few parties I still find funny when sober!

Layla said...

So funny!!