Thursday, April 28, 2011

Pity, party of one. Can I have a table by the window, please?

I don't feel like being funny tonight. I feel like I need a swift kick in the ass to get me out of this pity party. I feel like I need a reality check. But most of all, I feel like I need to just get this out of my system. Maybe then I won't feel like this anymore.

There are many things I am today that I never imagined I would be. Here they are in no particular order.

I never thought I would be (as of yet):

not a college graduate
not a professional doing something good for this earth or society
a data analyst (seriously, how did THAT happen?)
someone who still didn't know what they wanted to do with their life
not a mother

And worst of all, I never thought I'd be the type of person who, upon hearing great news from her best friend in the entire world, can now only feel sorry for herself and wonder, "Why not me?".

I know I'm not the first person to feel this way. But here's my dirty little secret: most things come easy to me. I don't know if I always expected them to and that's how it happened, but most things in my life seem to usually line up where I end up coming up ahead. Or if not, I'm willful enough to make them happen. I'm sure most of you know that about me by now; the word "no" is my kryptonite. If something doesn't seem to be going my way, I generally do what I have to do to make it happen. And luckily, for a good portion of my life, I've been attractive enough to be able to use my looks to my advantage when necessary to make things happen. I'm not talking about prostitution, but things are just easier if you're attractive. It's a stereotype because it's true.

So now I have this issue that I can't change. I can't excercise my way better or diet my way better or sew my way better or bully my way better. It just is what it is and I have to accept that. And most of the time I do. But today is one of those infrequent days where I just don't feel like accepting it at all. I know I complain a lot, but I don't think I normally give in to pity. I don't know, maybe I do and I'm just to vain to notice it about myself. I wouldn't put it past me.

Wow, I thought I'd feel better writing about this but I really don't. That theory's shot to shit. I did call Shrimp earlier though to make me feel better and that helped. I know the saying is 'misery loves company' and while most of the time I do enjoy other people's misery, it's just nice having someone who's been there to tell you that yes, it's hard, and yes, it sucks, but there's nothing you can do about it so quit whining about it already. I may have paraphrased that last part but you know what I mean. Shrimp got me through my divorce when I felt like my heart was being ripped apart every night.

My other sister Abby is someone who is amazing to talk to but has the unfortunate personality trait of being too nice. I know, maybe we should test her blood type. She's who I call when I want a sympathetic ear or someone who will laugh and cry with me. She thinks she's crazy, and we're not arguing with her on that point (I think she had a t-shirt made up that says Crazy Abby), but she can also channel that energy into being my fiercest supporter whenever I need her. But she's way too nice to ever tell me that sometimes, you need to put your own feelings aside and just suck it up. Seriously, where did she come from? The rest of us don't have a nice bone in our body. I think we just got the nice earrings; that way we can add or remove at will.

So I'm done. As self-centered as I am, and let's face it, I just started this blog to talk about myself, even I can't take my whining anymore. I'm finished, and tomorrow I can go back to being happy for my friend. Because I really am happy for her. And I'm not even wearing the earrings at the moment.


Anonymous said...

I LOVE you so, so much!!!! xoxoxoxo

Country Mouse said...

Anna, you are what you are---and most of the time that is one terrific person! If you want something you don't have, then go out and get it! If you need to change something, change it. But no one is happy all the time, content all the time, or rational all the time. You are beautiful, tallented, funny, intellegent, and my baby daughter----and you dad and I love you very much!

Monica Gehllar said...

Much love to you, Miss Anna! I'm SO glad I'm getting to know you and glad I am part of your family... which means you are now stuck with me... so welcome to another cheerleader for YOU - hope u didn't just throw up a bit..i almost did ;) LOL XOXO

Teresa said...

Anna, I'm just now getting around to reading this and I feel bad about that. You are the coolest person I know - and kind, considerate, funny, and then you actually have talents too! No one has the life they were expecting - or I'd be famous ballerina now retired but still thin and bendy and living a fabulous life in New York with my Russian-novelist husband. Everyone feels like a failure sometimes, but like your mom says, if something is really bugging you - like not being a college grad - go finish your degree! You can do it!! Or give up the idea that you have to have a degree - you're doing great without it!! You have so much to be proud of - you just need a little perspective. Go to Wal-Mart more - you'll feel like a million bucks!