Anna goes to Maine! Along with a crappy gift for her goddaughter.

(I started writing this yesterday)

I flew into Maine this morning, narrowly escaping hurricane Irene by a mere 2 to 3 days. After a death-defying flight (they didn't serve alcohol until the 9 am snack service), Abby and baby Mary scooped me up at the airport and promptly rushed me to the nearest Tim Horton's for an emergency grilled cheese sandwich and a donut. Oh, and a Coke, which I shared with the baby to get her to like me even more. I'm not above bribes. I'm pretty sure they're mandatory with small children anyway. And is there any way possible to not give  this child anything she asks for? Just tell me you could look at this face and say no. Yeah, I didn't think so. I'm her monkey and her plaything all rolled into one if she wants.

And after Abby tells me that they limit the time they use electronics to pacify her so that she wont' depend on them while out, I immediately fire up the shapes game on the iPhone and hand it over to her tiny, willing hands. Shit, I would have given that baby crack if I thought she wanted it. Okay, maybe not crack, but lots and lots of goldfish crackers and movies until her eyes glaze over. Honestly, I'm not much better with any of my nieces and nephews. I like to give them a taste of the good life and then let mom and dad deal with the fallout later when it inevitably goes back to normal. Heh heh heh.

Hey, at least she's learning from the game- today she told me she found a piece of dirt shaped like a hexagon on the floor. Go iPhone baby!

When we get to the house, the first thing I notice is my elaborate gift basket left in my room. This goes back to what we do at our house; I once read an article on how to make your guests more comfortable and it said that your guests aren't going to let you know if they're cold or hungry or probably lots of other things but frankly I can only care so much so I quit reading after that. So ever since then, I make sure I have bottled water and snacks in the guest room for any visitors and some extra blankets. But my gift baskets usually consist of some old water bottles filled with tap water and some Pringles. Maybe old cookies if they're lucky but that's about it. Here's Abby's gift basket. It's like the Showcase Showdown of gift baskets!

The only thing I found a little suspicious were the many, many, MANY personal hygiene items included. Toothpaste? Great, I didn't have to pack it in my carry-on. Razors, tic tacs, deodorant, and a comb? Okay, that's hitting a little too close to home! But she rounded it out with a big bottle o' wine so I couldn't get too offended.

We ended up taking it easy today. Mary and I both took naps in the afternoon and then had snacks of pickles, BBQ chips, and string cheese on her puppy pillow afterwards. Just an FYI for the next monkey coming up here, Mary is a pickle hog so keep your stash separate if you want to get more than one. She's not above double fisting those things.

Then we read a book about some a-hole rainbow fish and just hung out until dinner. Then when it came time for her bath and Bobby went to run the water, she started yelling, "No, I want Aunt Anna to do it! I want Aunt Anna!". Ah, the conversion took less time than I thought. I had given her this toy earlier that was a little basket of plastic clothes with mud stains on them that disappeared with warm water so that kids can pretend they are washing clothes while they take a bath. Turns out, this gift really sucked ass.

Hey Aunt Anna, next time can you at least give me this rock for a gift? That way I can at least brain you with it as a thank you.

We put them in the tub, and at first Mary was mesmerized by how you could dunk the little clothes under the water and the mud would disappear. So I told her to put the clean clothes in the little basket as she goes, and she follows suit for a few more garments. But then she notices that the stuff in the basket is dirty again. So she washes it again. But as soon as she takes it out of the water, the stain reappears.

She gives me this look that I'm pretty sure says, "Are you fricking kidding me here lady? Isn't it bad enough that you got me this crap-ass toy that has me washing clothes while I'm supposed to be having a relaxing soak, but now the motherf'ing stains come back as soon as I finish so I just have to start all over again!?". I really felt bad when she got her little bar of soap and washcloth and went to town trying to clean these suckers and the damn mud just won't stay gone. Don't get me wrong; I'm all for children dong menial household chores, but she seemed to be getting no sense of accomplishment here. Not even a bonus quarter like mom gets making those jon jons. She let me know where I could stick my toy.

I went to bed and slept like a log, and the next day we went for an amazing hike in Acadia National Park.

Then she helped me eat some of my stash from my gift basket.

Mary is currently walking around with a little plastic club in her pocket, looking for the baby bird's nest (presumably so that she can club the birds like baby seals) but she's so stinking cute in her pigtail braids that I'm sure we'd just say, "Aww, how cute!" as she brains the baby birds and smiles for the camera.

My favorite Mary quote so far? I was getting her dressed this morning and out of nowhere, she tells me, "I love you very much Aunt Anna!". I'm pretty sure I'm leaving most of my heart here in Maine in those tiny little hands. Hopefully she won't club it to death like the baby bird.