Why, hot yoga, why???

Why have you forsaken me?? (Insert half-assed fist shake in the air because I'm too weak for a good one). What, did I make you angry after making fun of you on Monday night? Come on, that was a joke! Don't you have a sense of humor, hot yoga? How can I make it up to you: beer bouquet, jerky of the month club, what? Just tell me and I'll do it. Just please don't make me go through another night like tonight!

I was so excited to go back tonight. I was feeling slightly supermodelish after Monday night so I figured I'd top off my weekend by getting a class in tonight. And since I knew what to expect, this would be a cakewalk. You can't eat at least 2 hours before class or you'll get sick, so with class starting at 6, 4pm was my cut-off. I hadn't eaten lunch and it was 3:30 and I was on my way to meet Bobby at his office and just when I was wondering what I was going to do, bam! I swear, this must be good Friday because who else but Jesus would have put a sabrett cart on the corner right next to Bobby's shop AND the guy said I got there just in time because he was about to close up! Are you as excited as I am? It's an Easter miracle, 2 days early, complete with sauerkraut and onions. Oh, and for you doubters, Bobby said he'd never seen the guy there before. So there!

And then he said, "Let there be hotdogs".

At 5:50 pm, I roll up with my mat like how I do and get prepared to get my sweat on. It was the same instructor- I checked- and I knew that a Friday night class wouldn't be that crowded. And I was right; there were only 7 other women in class tonight as opposed to 21 other women in Monday night's class. But that's when things started to go bad, so bad. I know it doesn't make any sense that it'd be hotter with less people, but somehow it was. It was like there were less idiots to soak up the heat so us 8 had to soak it all in. I didn't notice it at first. I even thought it wasn't as hot because a half hour in, my face felt like it was going to explode but I didn't have sweat pooling anywhere yet. And then it happened.

It was suddenly like I was one of those things you hook up to a hose when you're a kid, you know, it looks like a doll and the water comes out of the hair and all the tubes whip around everywhere. It was coming out of every pore and not stopping. It was like I had peed myself, but all over. So then I'd drink some water but it was so hot that it just made me feel sick and then I'd have to sit down for a minute. One lady in our group left after 10 minutes and then another went for a 'walk' and never came back. We can't balance, all of us are falling over everywhere. We looked like the rejects for the special olympics.

And that hotdog from Jesus I ate earlier? Well I was paying for my sins now. I'm pretty sure I felt the sauerkraut come out of the sweat pores on my back. You don't even want to know where I think the bun came out.  I felt sick sick sick and from what I could tell from the body language of my commrades, they were feeling it too. We were all vets in the same war here.

Okay, here is the only way to describe the feeling. You know how you go out with friends and you have a few drinks and you're feeling buzzed and you're super happy and love everything? And what do you do then? That's right, you drink a gallon of high octane alcohol so you don't 'lose your buzz' and suddenly, time slows down, you're laughing, dancing, woo hoo! Then you step off the dance floor and all of the sudden it hits you. You aren't just drunk, your are UBER DRUNK. Everything is moving around you, you're breaking out in a sweat, and you stare at the trash can just willing yourself not to puke in it. There, right there! THAT'S the feeling that I had after doing each position tonight.

It turns out, it wasn't our imagination- it really was hotter in there tonight. The girl next to me was next to the thermometer and while it's normally between 100 and 105 degrees,she said tonight it was up to 114. That shit is not going to fly next time. I am going to get a guarantee that they shut off the heater at 105 before I do it again. I mean, what was that? Are they smoking meat as a side business now or something? If so, I want a cut. Preferably from the back of the cow. I like a good rump roast.

I was more exhausted than I ever remember being when I got in the car, and that's including the time I got the free pass to the YMCA and I wanted to try everything so I did an hour of spinning then an hour on the elliptical and then an hour in zumba. That night I couldn't even get my arms high enough to wash my hair. This was worse. I had to move my car seat forward just to make it easier to press on the gas pedal tonight. It was like hot yoga had made me a nice hot cup of go frick yourself and then told me to go outside a play a quick game of what? Oh yeah, hide and go frick yourself. You can replace frick with your word of choice.

Hey hot yoga, next time are you at least going to kiss me before you- oh, well, you know what you did to me tonight. I hope you're happy. I'm gonna open a can on you next week! A can of what, you say?

BAM!