Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Who's my daddy? Apparently anyone in the northeast Ohio region circa fall 1976.

Do I resemble anyone you might know? Hopefully someone rich?

I was like a little red-headed Jabba the Hut.

This is totally not about sewing but I had to write this down before I forgot, and naturally I thought this would be a good way to embarrass my family too so it's really turned out to be a win-win.

It all started out early last fall. I have a co-worker who is a great friend and who is on dialysis two times a week and waiting for a donor kidney for a transplant. After months of research and a lot of thinking this through (unlike so many other things in my life, tattoos being the first which come to mind), I called him up and told him that I would like to donate one of my kidneys if I were a match. You ideally have to match up to more than just blood type, but that's the first step. I found out that he is O negative; the tricky part was that I had no idea what my blood type was.

My first step, and what I thought was the most logical, was to call my 'parents' and ask them if they knew my blood type. I'm child number three, so after five minutes of reminding them which daughter I was (they're not elderly, just obviously inattentive), my mom said that while she didn't know what my blood type was, I was either an A or O because that's their blood types. Now that I knew there's a chance I could be O negative, I was on a mission to find out my blood type.

I get blood taken about every six months for some reason or another; herps flair-up, unplanned pregnancy test or STD testing after another 'black out' night, black market blood sales, etc. But despite all this blood draining, I've never had a type test ordered and my doctor refused to do it since insurance won't pay for it and she said I just don't need to know. Sure, hey, that makes sense! Why would someone need to know their blood type? What's next- people are gonna want to know how 'gravity' works? Too much learnin', I guess! Despite all of this, I still wanted to know. My blood type, that is; I already know gravity works by guardian angels holding us onto the earth all day, duh.

So it was time to take matters into my own hands. This is always scary and most often does not end well but sure does make for good stories later. My next step was to find an at-home blood typing kit. I couldn't find them at any of the pharmacies and all the pharmacists kept recommending that I give blood to find out my type. Yeah right- like I'm just gonna give it away! I think those bloodmobiles are just one step away from organ harvesting. They suck you in with their juice and cookies and next thing you know, you're waking up in a crappy hotel room tub covered with ice and missing various internal organs. No thank you. The next logical step was clearly

I found this test and based on nothing at all, decided it was good enough for me:

Blood Type Eldoncard Typing Test Kit Includes: 1 Eldoncard, lancet, gauze, alcohol wipe, micropipette
I was so excited when it got here- it was like an instant doctor kit! It had gloves, needles, alcohol wipes- it was like the free clinic right here in my home! I got everything out very carefully by dumping it upside down on the counter and then read all the instructions like I was studying for the bar. Do I use the alcohol wipe before or after I stick myself with the needle? Before! Do I lick my finger before I stick it? No! Do I eat my apple before or after the test? Trick question- the apple isn't part of the kit! You can see how much of a pro I was regarding this blood test.

Basically, you add your blood to the circles above and the coagulation will tell you what your blood type is.

Imagine my surprise when my type came back B negative! What???!!! I know you're asking yourself about now, "Hey, how can two parents with type A and type O blood have a B negative child?" Well guess what- they can't! I'm no Einstein, despite my new mail order doctor status,  but even I can figure out that I was obviously switched at birth and my rich and glamorous family has been looking for me for the last 33 years. I even had Bobby double check the results and although he didn't have the extensive medical knowledge I had received from reading the pamphlet, he agreed that the results were B negative.

Even though it was about 10 pm on a Friday night and my 'parents' would probably have been in bed already for 4 hours, I called them immediately to let them know it was nice knowing you (not really, but I wanted to throw them a bone before I cut off all ties completely) and to deliver the news. I braced myself for the flood of tears I was sure would be forthcoming; after all, they'd be losing their favorite daughter and their real one was probably some ugo hillbilly living feral in the woods somewhere. The sound coming from Diane's (my former mother's) line? Laughing. Hysterical, probably wet her diapers, laughing. Sometimes sadness can disguise itself that way I guess.

When she finally calmed down enough to speak again without breaking out into snorting laughter, she told me that I was undeniably not switched at birth since I look just like my sisters. While the evidence does point to that conclusion (see latest family pics for evidence), I said that obviously they would have switched me with a baby that looks like me. Hasn't this lady ever watched a Lifetime made for tv movie before? Everyone knows that. Clearly I wasn't switched with a Chinese baby or anything.
Who wouldn't want to claim a jewel like this as their own?

She then informed me that she was awake and lucent when I was born and she saw my big red birthmark that covered my left arm when I came out. You can kind of see it still in this picture. Okay, she had me stumped there. So I went to the next logical conclusion;  I need to go on Maury Povich to find my daddy.  

She then claimed that obviously one of them had their blood types wrong. Riiiggghhhht. I gotta remember these cover stories when I have my illegitimate child too. I told her that since Christmas is coming up they might be able to buy my love and affection with gifts but in the meantime I'm going to go to to see if I get a leaf. Maybe I'm not even part Polish! Maybe I'm supposed to hate pierogis! I just didn't even know. Mom said she was going to order those blood tests from Amazon to get this straightened out. I have to report that she did not sound worried at all that her potential affair with the bartender? grocery boy? intake officer? seemed about to be burst wide open.

Me & Abby ready to hit the slopes
In the meantime, I had a trip planned to go see Abby in early December so I flew up there and we had an awesome time skiing. Later that night, we called our 'parents' and when she heard me call them Mike and Diane or Mrs. G if you're nasty, I had to tell Abby the whole story. Reaction?  I thought I was going to have to put a towel under her while she rolled around on the hotel room floor laughing. And let me tell ya something- I ain't cleaning up pee for anyone but a whole sister! And her laughing combined with the laughing coming from Mrs. G on the phone made it sound like I was in the hyena pit on mating night. It seemed that my old family was not taking me seriously but hey, blood tests don't lie!

Eventually the donkey that delivers mail to Tennessee got to my parent's house and delivered the blood tests and it turns out that my parents are my parents, just not so bright ones. My dad is type B+. So it was unfortunate for my friend who is still waiting for a kidney but at least now I can go back to calling my parents mom & dad and I can legally put them in a home as revenge in a few years. And not one of the good ones either. You should have held the laughter in, that's all I'm saying! At least I save on air fare not having to go on Maury Povich now.


kyndall said...

Laugh. Out. Loud. Thanks for that!

Country Mouse said...

gives new meaning to the Birther movement!!

Country Mouse said...

also, it wasn't our fault---the Army put the wrong blood type on your dad's dogtags. So there.....

Lucy said...

I'm still laughing!

Teresa said...

Funny!! Your mom did not sleep around back then - and she did not promise me rhubarb when it comes in season to say that, either!

Anna said...

I don't know anymore Teresa. Walgreen's now has these at-home DNA tests to find out who's your baby daddy so next time their down I might wait until they've got the chainsaw factory started, sneak into their room, and stick their fingers. Even if they wake up I can run pretty fast. Then we'll see who my parents are!

mary yates said...

i think you're stuck with us-maybe you need a new dream!

ABIGAIL said...


Ellen said...

Look at the pictures girl! Cute but indeed Polish! Glad you shared this as I had not heard about this funny sides hurt from laughing. OK Dr. Anna, have you retired from the medical field now? AUNTIE E

Anna said...

I have for now Ellen, but I can't promise I'll stay retired. They're always handing out pamphlets at the free clinic so the medical training may continue. Maybe next time you're down I can operate on you! Just something minor, like a pinkie removal or something.

Monica Gehllar said...

Dr. Anna just let me know when you are ready to administer botox and I'm there, doll ;)

Anna said...

I'll start with the off-brand Botox as soon as I master the at-home lipo!